tryin to stay sane in an insane world

So i got another letter from section 8. I meet the guidelines and now I'm just waiting for when i can come in for my briefing and to get my voucher. Of course my mother has switched over to bitch mode. She got upset when she saw the letter, she tried to pick a fight over the dishes, i've heard you can't leave me all damn day. its a real what the fuck moment. I probably can't leave until the end of september at the earlist anyway because I am woefully unprepared. i got to get cleaning supplies, food, glasses and towels. I have everything else. I need a new bed but the one i have will do the job untill i can afford a new one. its just a bunch of mess.

on a good note, I'M MOVING OUT!!!!!! lol

its a little less than a month till i goo n my trip too! super geeked! i got to print my stuff and i'm calling the passport people monday to make sure everythings on track. i still have to get my suitcase, something comfy to be on the bus in, change over some money (not that i plan to do a whole lot up there but still), and other little things. trying to keep it together too.

october 4 is coming... i want to go see her. i know she's not even there but i haven't been there since we left her. im suprised at how much i miss her.

today has definatly been a country day. and of course 'bette all the time' played,.... suprisingly it didnt make me tear up or anything like it used too. I have noticed that the majority of songs being played today is all bout being left by the wife kids and dog lol.

so i finally got my letter from section 8 that they reached my name on the waiting list. so i have to print out bank statements, pay stubs, ssc, id, and a bunch of other crap. i hope they take into consideration my student loans. i have no money saved to move cuz i applied three years ago and forgot about it. i think i have like three months after my inital voucher to find a place and i should be able to come up with the security deposit in that time. i just want out this house. it will be so nice to be on my own again.

i bought my tix to go away today. swole it was 84 to ride a damn bus for basically 24 hours but i dont have money to fly or buy a passport book. my moms freakin out as usual. the what if something happens, you'll be on the bus for a long time, what if theres another crazy guy, etc etc. i told her i have a better chance of something happening to me at my job than on the road.

i'm hungry....there is nothing to eat in my house. or well there is stuff to eat but i'm not motivated enough to go eat. or cook. or deal with my crazy family

Ha! the pocket people are taking over muuuuuuuhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaa

I FOUND MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE!! I was looking all over my little wanna be apartment, my moms room, everywhere. it wasnt until i was going thru my moms file box and saw the edge of someones diploma that i realised i had hidden it behind mine downstairs... yeah i'm smooth like that. but yea i found it lol. now tuesday i'm going to do all that passport stuff...or maybe tomorrow

Some encounters with various people in my life prompted me to write this. Take as you will.

I don't have to like you.
I wish more understood
I don't have to pretend to be nice
Even though you think I should.
I'm supposed to live my life for me
Not cater to you
Yet you believe the opposite to be true
I don't have to like you
I wish more understood
I don't have to talk to you
Even though you think I should
They say if you can't say something nice,
Don't say anything at all
So when I don't speak, I'm not being rude
I'm just sparing you my acid tongue and attitude
I don't have to like you
I wish more understood
I don't have to view you as my equal
Even though you think I should.
I don't think I am better than everyone
But know I am better than some
It has nothing to do with what I have or where I am from
But everything to do with your bow down to me
And the world owes me attitude
I don't have to like you
I hope you finally understand
I'm not trying to be mean or rude
Just get it through to you.
I'm entitled to my opinion
The same way as you.
So please stop asking for explainations
And stop with childish threats
And just accept the facts.





OK so the ending isn't quite what i wanted but it works lol

So I've found myself doing a lot of lists lately. I'm trying to figure out what i want and where I'm going in this life. Jess dyin shook me up more than I ever imagined it would. I'm going to be 25 next year and I have crammed nowhere near the amount of living she did into my years that she did hers. I know everyone grows and progresses differently but if I were to die tonight I wouldn't have really lived. Theres so much that I want to do and see of this world and I'm not going to be super corny and be like I'm going to do it all but these are the things I would like to accomplish in the next year.

get my damn license and a ragamuffin car
get my bankruptcy in order (or win the powerball and tell them all to go to hell)
visit my peoples in canada. I need major hugs
actually go to new york and have a real vacation
go to a concert
get some piercings
start going to clubs and not feeling like i need to have people with me
seriously start losing this weight. everything i lost is coming back
reconnect with the people that actaully are attempting to do more with life
stop being so concerned with what others think of me
pick up a second job
start making plans to move

Theres more that I would like to do but this is enough for right now.
 

I liked to think I knew better
Trust no one feel no pain,
I wasn't a playa but respected the game
I perfected my defences
Refused to let anyone in
But I did in the end.
See this one wasn't the same
I can't even blame it on the head game
Atleast not in the way you think
See this one got inside My head
And got to know me
Scaled the walls and fought the demons
Got me to beleive I wasn't dreamin
I really thought she was payin attention
Now I'm alone and wide open
She was the dream I never had
Knowin if I did, it would only end bad
See I forgot the original contract
Hopin against hope that
Our love would counteract that
Knowin that it really wouldn't
I forgot that love is just a game
And if you're not careful you'll just get played
You can't believe in dreams
Especially one you never had




(damn when it rains....)

I feel locked down
Prisoner to this madness
Lost in this maze.
My heart still stops when I hear your name
This love shit is a losin game
I thought I was so cool
I thought I was tough
I kept telling myself I wouldn't  get stuck
Now I'm going in circles
Walking for miles to get away
Only to end up where I began
Watching you from a distance

Everyday I do my best
To show I'm better than the rest
I changed my hippie crazy ways
To match the business casual days
I've done my best to show my dedication
My friends think I need medication
I knew what the contract was
I thought I would be fine because
I never figured life would get in the way
Now I'm contemplating my resignation
I'm slowly becoming unhappy with the situation
The company I've helped build so patiently
The other boss is trying to push me out slowly
I figured the wait was finally over
That we were ready to get this off the ground
Now these hollowed halls just echo the whispers of sounds
How do you get fired from a postion you never techinally had
Or give you resignation for it either?
I've always been in this for the long haul
But maybe the long haul means different things to me
It feels like all the meetings
all the compromises
all the blood sweat and tears...lots of tears
all for the good of the company have been for nothing
I don't want to give up on the company
But it feels like the company has given up on me

(ok so yeah. I may be the most understanding female in the world. I try not to whine and complain too much because I know pretty much the excact reason for why things are the way they are. It doesn't mean it hurts any less. It doesn't mean I don't feel like what do I have to do to prove I'm not everyone else with one foot out the door. *sigh* It seems just being me is not enough.)